


Stan at War

by altairattorney



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Crack, Episode: s02e15 The Last Mabelcorn, Family, Gen, Newspaper Articles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 11:27:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8487565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/altairattorney/pseuds/altairattorney
Summary: A mysterious lament rose from the woods.  What Happened Next Will Shock You.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A cracky idea developed in a cracky mess. Written in the form of online newspaper articles, set between The Last Mabelcorn and Dipper and Mabel vs. The Future.

_TOWN SQUARE SCARE - THRILL OF THE CHASE!_

Moments of panic shook our quiet community of Gravity Falls this afternoon, as suddenly as they resolved themselves into hilarity. Around 3 P.M., numerous bystanders from Northwest Square called in to report the same sighting: local entertainer Stan Pines, owner of the Mystery Shack, was riding a strange creature with a striking resemblance to a unicorn.

Efforts on the police’s part to stop Pines were in vain. Shards of debris and torn roadsigns got in the way of our diligent officers. When asked for commentary at a record speed of 40 mph, all he could do was bellow “OUT OF THE WAY!”

The few witnesses who couldn’t follow his advice were able to give a description, at the cost of several minor injuries. It seems Pines’ interests were fully focused on punching the animal rather than destruction of public property. He eventually disappeared in the patch of trees near Greasy’s Diner, roaring like a bear and pulling the creature’s mysterious horn.

“Duct tape an’ glitter cardboard, I tell you,” owner Lazy Susan commented. “Never seen anything so shiny.”

General consensus lies on the possibility Pines was struggling with the making of his newest attraction. The incident, now the talk of the town, aroused abundant laughter and the attention of Animal Welfare.

\- Shandra Jimenez

_> > For MORE UPDATES on this story, FOLLOW Gravity Falls Herald Online, the FASTEST SOURCE of content in town! <<_

* * *

_SLIPPERY PINES: RESISTS ARREST FOR ANIMAL CRUELTY  
_ _Puzzling addition to puzzling criminal record_

GRAVITY FALLS - The late hours of Sunday made for a confusing evening within our police force. When visited at home to be called in for questioning, after a long series of ignored phone calls, Stanford Pines presented Sheriff Daryl Blubs with a bewildering reaction.

Pines, suspected of theft and mistreatment of the yet unidentified white horse he rode through town earlier in the day, seemed to be unimpressed by the accusations.

“Meh” was his only declaration, followed by a shut door in our Sheriff’s face.

According to deputy Edwin Durland’s account, the scene repeated itself identically twelve times before Pines was finally arrested.

“Don’t mean to be mean, but we thought a night in jail would serve him well enough,” Durland reported to us, scratching his head. “Make up for his other weird crimes, too. A little. And yet…”

Stan Pines walked away in the morning, grumpier than ever, allegedly muttering something under his breath. Sheriff Blubs believes to have heard his words correctly.

“ _Not enough to stop me_ , I’m pretty sure that’s what he said. I wouldn’t be surprised.”

\- Toby Determined

_\- GRAVITY FALLS GOSSIPER ONLINE: ye olde news, in the future! -_

* * *

_UNICORNS CONFIRMED? A SHOCKING REVELATION GALLOPS IN!_

Five days after the riding incident caused by Stan Pines, an extraordinary development sheds new light onto the case. Two more horse-shaped beings were found by local lumberjack Corduroy at the edge of the forest, calling for help in uncharacteristically high-pitched voices.

 _Voices_ is a literal term, as it seems the animals spoke English quite fluently and could master a noticeable thesaurus of insults.

“Whinnying? More like whining, man,” Dan Corduroy asserted for our online exclusive. “Beasts could TALK! With their horsey MOUTHS! And they made one hell of a noise. Such WEAKLINGS!”

Though the previous facts would have been enough to hint at the offender’s identity, the horses expressed their desire to testify. Sheriff Blubs’ report served as final proof that their description matches Stan Pines to the last detail.

As for the nature of the creatures, they clarified to be unicorns themselves. Dan’s attempts to rip off their fake horns were described as extremely offensive and painful. They proceeded to ask what glue is and why the lumberjack accused them of using the “strongest brand in the world”.

After being told about the existence of Animal Welfare, they promised further developments will follow through in court. 

“This war is unfair,” the purple specimen cried, at the rhythm of a disco mix coming from his horn. “Pines will pay for it.”

Dan’s eldest daugher, Wendy, was seen struggling to walk away, laughing too hard to see.

\- Shandra Jimenez 

_> > STAY YOUNG, STAY COOL, STAY UPDATED: choose GRAVITY FALLS HERALD ONLINE! <<_

* * *

_WELFARE DOESN’T FARE SO WELL WITH FAIRIES  
_ _Oregon board refuses to acknowledge unicorn claim_

SALEM – The thrilling preparations for what is widely considered to be the trial of the century, involving Stanford Pines vs Unicorn Realm, came to an abrupt halt in the early hours of this Wednesday, when the official response from National Animal Welfare Board arrived.

Though it was pretty evident the society had refused to take part in the proceedings, no official papers had been mailed. The contents of the envelope were limited to the original report mailed by Gravity Falls court, full of red circles and annotations like “What the _heck_ are you on about?”

After the somewhat vague corrections were duly noted, _Gravity Falls Gossiper_ reporters travelled to the capital for further clarification. They were met by ridicule and sarcasm, along with a firm claim that no, the board won’t protect fantastic creatures.

“Gotta hand it to you, we had the time of our lives reading that,” an amused head of division Glenda McFurson admitted, drying her tears and escorting us to the entrance.

It is unclear which direction the dispute will take from here on. However, since the existence of unicorns itself is still up for debate out of town, an unfortunate stall is to be expected.

\- Toby Determined

_\- Scams and poor imitations are NOT for us! Subscribe to GRAVITY FALLS GOSSIPER ONLINE! -_

* * *

_FLASH GNOMES - AN UNPRECEDENTED PRESENCE!_

Though charges against Stanford Pines were quickly dropped for lack of public interest, an unforeseen collaboration between unicorns and other believed-to-be mythical beings put an exciting twist on the self-proclaimed unicorn conflict.

The sightings of specimens waltzing out of the forest, badly bruised and stumbling on their own legs, have become frequent enough to get old. Even the outlandishness of their horns, with the once hilarious pitch shift caused by physical pain, is by now only regarded as vaguely interesting. 

All of this was true until this morning. After the umpteenth pool of rainbow blood had been spilt, an army of small humanoid creatures emerged from the brush.

“Enough is enough, guys,” the leader said. “I am Jeff and I will settle this!”

Jeff then proceeded to explain he has lived as head of gnomekind for human generations, and that his people and unicorn are bound by an ages-old alliance against all threats.

“We didn’t think much of the agreement back then,” Jeff claimed, shrugging. “Unicorns always had a peaceful life. We never did. That sounded like a win-win situation for us.”

The gnomes then proceeded to attack the group of reporters spread around them. We are glad to confirm _Herald_ journalists are all unharmed, while the entirety of Gossiper staff, a.k.a. Toby Determined, was hurt by the sharp pointy hats. If intimidating, the crowd of little people was subdued and led to surrender in under three minutes.

Peace treaty was led to gnome tribunal, deep into the forest, with yours truly as warrantor. Stan Pines, technically victorious, was called to dictate the terms of the surrender. His requests included dramatic drop in reports about unicorn accidents, to which he added the words “fairy dust”, in slow motion, with slow winking.

The jury of gnomes visibly reddened and emitted embarrassed sounds, something in between awkward coughing and laughter. ~~Not to doubt their integrity, but this seemed suspicious.~~

Here’s to hoping the number of unicorn casualties will – yes, yes, I know. I’ll cut it.

\- Shandra Jimenez

_> > Scam YOURSELF! GRAVITY FALLS HERALD ONLINE is the way! <<_

* * *

_IS IT OVER? AT LONG LAST?  
_ _We all hope it is._

GRAVITY FALLS - Today, early in the afternoon, a high-pitched whinny rose from the inner woods. Yes, here at _Gravity Falls Gossiper_ we are well aware this is news to no one. Or that we aren’t supposed to talk about it. This one seemed particularly relevant, however.

“NEIGH! NEEEEIGH! THE END IS NEIGH!” the voice was heard screaming, according to witnesses. “FINE, PINES! WE SURRENDER! I AM CELESTABELLEBETHABELLE, PRINCESS OF UNICORNS, AND I SAY - WE SURRENDER! WE ARE _SORRY_! JUST LEAVE US ALONE!”

Leaving it at that. Make of it what you will.

\- Toby Determined 

_\- Okay now, that’s enough, Herald. Awkward friendly terms? -_

* * *

_IT IS OVER._

Finally.

\- Shandra Jimenez

_> > Awkward friendly terms. For now. SUBSCRIBE!! <<_

* * *

_GRAVITY FALLS GOSSIPER_  
_Personal Ads_  
Page 23

Gravity Falls,

here’s a picture of the Princess of Unicorns bleeding from her nose. She’s used to it by now. No, none was killed, but just because I’m great.

You witnessed this mess as a pointless war against a defenseless kind. Get the wax outta your ears, ya punks, and remember ‘cause I’m not saying it twice.

This is what happens to people who make my niece cry. If you mess with my family and their feelings, I’ll be there to meet you. Anyone dare try now?

No? I thought so. Good. Keep it that way.

\- Stan Pines

* * *

 _GRAVITY FALLS GOSSIPER  
_ _BREAKING NEWS: STAN IS THE MAN! GRUMPY ON THE OUTSIDE, BIG SOFTIE INSIDE_

“Oh, come on, _seriously_?”


End file.
